Reclaiming You
A Conversation with Anna Shapira
Anna Shapira works as a Codependency Recovery Coach, helping people who’ve been in dysfunctional relationships or involved with someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). In her Autumn series of events, Anna will explore three themes that are key to healing after this experience: Boundaries, Guilt & Shame and Self-care. We spoke to her about her background and why this type of coaching and support is so necessary.
What can we expect from your three part ‘Reclaiming You’ event series at The Hearth?
The idea behind these events is to share wisdom and practices around the key challenges people face after dysfunctional relationship and narcissistic abuse. Each month we’ll be looking at different core topics that will help heal Codependency (compulsive people pleasing) and CPTSD (effects of long-term trauma).
Boundaries (15th September) – Does the thought of setting boundaries feel unnecessary or even aggressive? In this event you will discover how they are actually a loving act and why they are vital to your life flourishing. Also how to start creating them in a way that feels safe.
Dissolving Guilt and shame (13th October) Everyone carries some guilt or shame. However for some of us from dysfunctional homes, these emotions can feel literally crippling. This event will help you understand how and why guilt and shame are showing up in your life, and how to gently but effectively let them go.
Why self-care is non-negotiable (10th November) You might think self-care is optional or self-indulgent. This event will explain why it's both vital to your wellbeing and also doesn’t require loads of money or time. If you really want to heal from codependency you need to understand self-care.
What is a Codependency Recovery Coach, and what led you to become one?
I work as a guide and coach for anyone who has experienced a narcissistic dynamic, or who has had enough of dysfunctional relationships in general, and is ready to heal.
I help people to understand what happened to them, what the issues were, and then to find definitive and practical steps to start deeply healing and freeing themselves. I use a range of practices including deep non-judgemental listening, somatic (body) work, inner child and emotional literacy work to heal from both Codependency and CPTSD. Basically, I help people move from their survival-based focus on the other person, back to themselves where it is meant to be. I help them rediscover real love and respect for themselves. With this they start to find genuine freedom, joy and hope again.
After experiencing decades of narcissistic abuse myself, including a 7 year marriage to a covert malignant narcissist, I truly know what it’s like. Many clients tell me this is a key part of why my work helps them so much. Once I started my own healing journey I knew very quickly that I wanted to share my process with others, to help free them from this deeply destructive and scary dynamic. The good news is that once we turn the light away from the othe rperson , and on to ourselves, the healing starts to automatically happen. There is a great joyful life available once we start to free ourselves from the narcissistic dynamic.
In September, we can feel that ‘back to it’ vibe as normality resumes after summer. What does that mean for recovery?
Often after something like narcissistic abuse, the amount of healing that needs to happen can feel overwhelming. So the change of season (both earth and astrological seasons!) is a great time to start afresh with the process of facing the shadow and healing. Even the symbolism of autumn is helpful as nature starts to become more internal preparing for winter. Thus we humans, who are intimately connected to nature, can use this energy to help us turn inwards and nurture ourselves.
In your experience, why is it that women need space?
As someone who’s experienced a lot of abuse as well as working with people who’ve been through it – having a safe space where you know that no perpetrator can access you is vital to fully healing. In an abuse situation the nervous system (fight or flight) is constantly activated. So having a space where there’s no risk of any kind of violence, allows the nervous system to regulate – sometimes for the first time. And as it’s only from a regulated nervous system that we can really heal – having space is a non-negotiable.
To find out more about ‘Reclaiming You’ - Anna’s event series with The Hearth please click here.
GLOSSARY
You’ve probably heard these terms used a lot - here’s what they really mean.
Narcissism Narcissism is way more than being vain or self-centred - it is a personality disorder on a par with psychopathy and borderline personality. Abuse by someone like this will be emotional, mental, physical and normally sexual and financial too. It leaves the person on the receiving end feeling deeply disorientated, afraid and often struggling to function. The narcissist could be anyone – a parent, family member, partner, colleague or friend.
NPD – Narcissistic Personality Disorder. A diagnostic term used to describe someone with symptoms of severe Narcissism. To give you an idea of the severity of this condition, NPD is a Cluster B disorder grouped with Psychopathy, sociopathy and Borderline Personality Disorder. Be aware that many people will have NPD but never present to a psychiatrist. Both men and women can have NPD.
Some main indicators of NPD:
Lack of empathy
Sense of entitlement
Inability to accept responsibility or blame
Sense of superiority, regardless of actual achievements
Are dishonest, exaggerate and lie
Display extreme mood swings, often use rage as a control mechanism
See other people as objects
Manipulate and take advantage of others
Pathologically jealous and envious
Bullying behaviour
Highly critical and transfer all blame to others
Overt narcissist. You are more likely to think of this type when you think of a narcissist. They are generally open about their sense of their own superiority and attractiveness. Think Donald Trump or Kim Kardashian.
Covert narcissist. Also known as a ‘vulnerable narcissist’ These are more insidious as they will often hide their narcissism behind a mask of altruism, spirituality or self-effacement. However they still demonstrate all, if not more, of the same abusive and manipulative behaviours towards others. It is likely you’ve come across a few covert narcissists without realising. In my opinion Amber Heard is an example of a covert narcissist.
CPTSD. Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The effects of long term ongoing trauma. Living with someone with NPD almost always causes CPTSD in the person. Some symptoms include:
Hypervigilance
Insomnia
Nightmares
Inability to rest
Triggering and emotional flashbacks
Anxiety (including social anxiety)
Depression
Physical symptoms – like stomach issues and headaches
Codependency. The effects of being brought up in a home and society that prioritised the emotional care of others over the self. It is connected with a deep need to be accepted and loved. Codependency is not just related to romantic relationships, it’s effects touch most areas of life. Some symptoms include:
Fear of conflict
Indecisiveness
Inability to say no
‘Chameleon-like’ behaviour
Inability to express an opinion
Looking after others, often to excess, generally at the expense of the self.
ABOUT ANNA
Anna Shapira works as a Codependency Recovery Coach, helping people who’ve been in dysfunctional relationships or involved with someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). In her Autumn series of events, Anna will explore three themes that are key to healing after this experience: Boundaries, Guilt & Shame and Self-care. We spoke to her about her background and why this type of coaching and support is so necessary.