How we Learn to Love - Attachment Theory
By Andrea Balboni
“What do you mean I’m avoidant…I’d do ANYTHING…for a relationship right now.
Avoiding one is the last thing I’m doing, it’s just that…”
And herein would begin the looooooong list of reasons why it was so hard to find love, the right kind of love.
From…There just aren’t that many single guys my age out there anymore.
To a list of expectations that a potential partner have x, y and z all in place when he first appears in front of me, otherwise I’m not going to waste my time on another dead-end date.
The actual reasons why I was single for so many years sat much deeper within me. And learning about my main attachment style (avoidant) was like a wake-up call to it.
Turns out that it all wasn’t so black and white, however.
Because the minute someone ticked a good number of my boxes and showed a possible interest in me, this love ‘avoidant’ shifted swiftly over into the ‘anxious attacher’ mode.
I’d begin to ask myself an incessant stream of questions like:
Would he call again? Would there be a second date? What if he moved back to…what if I moved back to…what if it worked out…what if it didn’t.
Sound familiar?
Turns out many of us exhibit a mash-up of styles when it comes to attachment and love.
In this post, I’ll cover some of the main characteristics of the four different attachment styles and how they affect how you date and experience love.
The 4 attachment styles
Avoidant attachers
Appear independent, confident, and self-sufficient and avoid strong displays of closeness and intimacy.
Will let you be around them, but will not let you in as they have difficulty sharing intimate details of their lives.
As soon as things get serious they tend to close themselves off and start drifting off and distancing themselves or
Begin to find faults with their partner or get annoyed by them.
They believe that they do not need emotional intimacy in their lives.
Anxious attachers
Strong fears of rejection or abandonment, have low self-esteem and need constant reassurance that they are loved, worthy, and good enough.
Appear clingy, desperate, preoccupied as relationships might be both ‘life-saving’ and ‘life-threatening’ and feels like you are on an emotional roller-coaster all the time
Presence of the loved one appears to be a remedy for their strong emotional needs
Blinded by potential partners and put them on a pedestal choosing not to see what’s really there, have difficulty discerning and go on too many dates when writing is on the wall.
Intensely jealous or suspicious of their partners and are insecure and anxious about their own worth in a relationship.
Disorganised attachers
People who have been physically, verbally, or sexually abused in their childhood struggle to trust others and develops when the child’s caregivers – the only source of safety – become a source of fear.
Moves between and lives aspects of both avoidant and anxious styles
Desires love and acceptance but at the same time holds a deep fear that those closest to them will hurt them
Believes that rejection, disappointment, and hurt in relationships are expected and inevitable – it’s just a matter of when
Holds a negative view of themselves, others and the world around them
Secure attachers
Stays around long enough to understand whether the person is right for them or not by regulating emotions and feelings and holds an inherent optimism and positivity.
Knows when to call it quits if the other person doesn’t rise to meet them e.g. asks the avoidant to make more time and share more; asks the anxious attacher to self-hold around fear of being left or unloved.
Knows how to connect and communicate clearly and open up and share feelings vulnerably when things feel off. Comfortable with closeness and mutual support and dependency. And also time alone for personal exploration.
Knows what they are about in life, their impact and the purpose they want to fulfill outside of the relationship whilst also recognizing the value and importance of intimate connection and healthy relationships.
Strong capacity to reflect on how they are being in a relationship and make shifts and changes to strengthen love and inspire desire.
Questions for contemplation:
Which of these four attachment styles feel most congruent with your experience of dating and love?
Can you recognise the attachment style of those you have dated or had a relationship with?
How might being aware of attachment styles begin to shift how you date, love or relate to others?
It still does feel a bit ironic that I had a predominantly ‘avoidant’ attachment style when love was the thing that I wanted most in my life.
The good news is, I changed it. Found love. And am still in it. And so can you.
Book a place for Andrea’s next workshop at The Hearth. How to Love Better: Learn about your Attachment Style – and what to do to change it. Click here.